W is for Rant!

w is for rant!

 

Hey people, I am back from Republic du Benin!

I was going to share photos from my mini trip but there are better things to be discussed!

I have been quiet lately about Nigeria and its very many issues. Oh sorry, I mean our very many issues. Why in 2016 is a blogger arrested for posting his political opinion on his blog. I wish I could say this is a low but we all know that there haven’t been that many highs in the history of human rights in Nigeria.

I am worried about Nigeria. A place where extra judicial killings go unquestioned and the life of individuals mean almost nothing to the government who swore to protect its citizens. Our dear country where people’s rights and freedoms mean nothing and everyone is above the law for the right price.

I am worried about Nigeria because the rich do whatever they like with the poor and the middle class is just a few of us grasping at whatever dignity we have left.

Let me tell you a story.

Last week Friday, I got a new client. My first instinct was to listen to him and send him on his merry way because he had serious body odour and his halitosis was making my office spin. When I started to listen I started to feel some anger, then it became rage because I couldn’t hear him anymore. Basically, some rich area man had him and his daughter arrested for disturbing the peace because he followed his daughter to ask for her 5 months’ salary being owed by said “rich” man. He allegedly bribed the police and asked that the man be charged with abduction of his 18 year old that left home in January 2016. I know, it sounds crazy.

That was how I felt too. Long story short; my client and his daughter spent 4 days in police detention, got  charged to court and then spent one month in prison custody before they could perfect bail. Now I was pissed and decided to take the case pro bono. Actually, I was to be in court this morning but the case got adjourned per judiciary holiday.

There I was planning my next line of action; twitter explodes with the story of how a blogger was arrested by EFCC!! I am stunned then I remembered that Zakzaky has been in detention for over 7 months held by the army despite the voices of well meaning Nigerians the government has turned a deaf ear.

I have noticed that this new administration has a perfectly rehearsed deaf ear and blind sight. They ignore major issues and give a bear hug, a space on their laps to herdsmen who need to be curtailed. Don’t get me started on the issue extra judicial killings by law enforcement and the perfect way it’s being ignored.

The topic I must not mention today would be the shameful crop of Nigerians we call the National Assembly… not today!

 

I am going to stop my rant here.

Let me just tell you, the government of Nigeria does not have your interest at heart unless you are a 1000 naira note.

Since I have been born, the only thing consistent with Nigerian leaders is the penchant to fill their deep pockets with the ever failing naira and your human rights mean nothing to them. And… please what is infrastructure!?

Nonsense!

 

PS; I am worried about Nigeria.

According toLarz.

EMOTIONAL PUSHUPS

EMOTIONAL PUSH UPS

EMOTIONAL PUSHUPS

 

Hello guys and welcome to another life hack post! I know, I am back eh! Three posts in one week?! Jesus is lord!

I do not enjoy being away from you guys, and I am so glad to be back. Views are still low so please share, like and subscribe to m blog biko! Thanks.

 

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend and we talked about a lot of stuff, what really stood out to me however is the possibility of relationships to die a natural (rather sudden ) death.

We fall in love, we either leave, or get left or we are yanked off the love relationship but the point is that relationships end and we must move on.

People come and go and somehow your life has to remain intact. I remember saying to him (said friend) that people will come and go, but you cannot let them take a piece of you every time they leave. If you let them, what will remain? As human beings it’s easy for us to get carried away by emotions and feelings and we let the world erode our personality, charm and sense of self worth.

This got me thinking of other emotions apart from love, do you get angry and just boil over like a pot of spaghetti? Or you are the type to cry at every opportunity and you do not want to remain like that? The idea is that we are made a certain way and while we may not be able to change who we are we can work on what we have so we can become the best version of ourselves.

I like it when people think Lara doesn’t feel a thing, she’s got a heart of stone etc

I laugh quietly and let them say.

I have learnt over the years that freaking out will not change anything. I have also learnt that when people leave you and you feel like dying, it’s a temporary situation. Time indeed heals,

No matter how intense a feeling is, it will cool down with time and hey! We mustn’t make permanent decisions because of a temporary situation.

I have learnt to do my emotional pushups and so should you. You must learn that emotions are fleeting. Anger is for a moment and you wouldn’t want to ruin lives and then turn around and have to live with your decisions.

I still hurt; everybody hurts but we must know better than to freak out because solider go, solider come, barracks go remain.

This made me think of emotional well being along the lines of physical wellness, the same way you strengthen your physical bodies by exercising, you can strengthen your emotional self as well.

Consider the following points.

When you’re in an emotional situation…

  1. Don’t react right away
  2. Find a healthy outlet
  3. Replace your thoughts
  4. Stop and refocus
  5. In cases of anger, when you calm down hash out issues. Don’t sweep things under the rug, run the risk of being petty but talk about what angers you. Sweeping things under the rug will only make such issues into triggers.

FRIENDS, DO YOUR EMOTIONAL PUSHUPS!

Let me know if you want me to share more in subsequent posts… please do not forget to like, share and comment on this blog post.

Love,

According to Larz

 

yakata

YAKATA PT 2

 

yakata

This is hot gist! Grab your coffee and read of how I disgraced myself last night! LOL

So, if you’re my family member on this blog, you’ll know I have a penchant for falling down! It’s not just because I am clumsy as fuck, it’s also because I walk with a little too much confidence. You know, when you are on new terrain, one would still walk small small abi, learning the road. Ahh not me, I will be behaving like the honourable in charge of that constituency and be walking like politician.

 

So yesterday night, I went somewhere with guess who!? And I was walking away o, guess what? I tumbled and next thing I am on the floor! Colour me bruised and embarrassed! *hot tears*

I’m on the concrete like epp me! 

 

I landed on my right palm and right knee and I must tell you it hurt like hell! To make it worse, I busted out laughing because all I could think of was the time I fell down in front of ‘The place’ in GRA. And I was basically trying to compare, which incident was more embarrassing! I know! I am a mess.

just like feem trick! chai!

 

I have had more embarrassing falls but this one was bad cos I was embarrassing someone else.  Sigh

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This was my case! i have suffered! 

So my brethren and sistren, that is how I landed on the ground in the middle of complex o, I gently picked up my belongings and strolled to le motor!

 

Much more than my hurt right palm and right knee, I felt sorry for “guess who” because it is his terrain! Everyone knows him there and they are kinda like friends… so he’s the guy whose babe fell down in the middle of complex!

Sorry 

Well, he has just had his first taste of my public clumsiness, let’s hope he will not leave me for a more “put together” babe. Oh well!

I wont lie. i blame aliens… or the people in my village! 

 

 

My weekend was amazing! the fall inclusive. I am very tempted to share pictures…

Have yourself an amazing week!

ACCORDINGTOLARZ

LIFE AND THE BASEBALL BAT

FOOD!!

It’s becoming some sort of tradition for apologies to flow on this page. I am not trying to be irresponsible, it’s just that I have been weird and I feel like life is beating me with a baseball bat. I would have preferred the proverbial lemon so I can make lemonade but what do I do with a baseball bat? Beat my enemies? LOL

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Let’s get to the post of the day. I decided that after my fake ass apology. I would catch you up on the things I’ve been up to.  I have some activities lined up in the next few weeks I don’t know if I should vlog!? Should I? Please epp me, tell me in the comment section.

I have also decided to do a question and answer video/blog post! So let the questions roll in! YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING, NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS! YAY!?

A few things I’ve gotten up to while I was away.

  1. Work: Guys! I feel like Rhianna did that Work song for me because my life has been all about work work work work work *fails at wiggling the bum*

 

  1. I attended a wedding! Yes, everyone knows I do not like to attend weddings mostly because emotions are high and I have to smile at people I do not like… oh and the Nigerian aunties that pray for you as though you’re the unfortunate single one!? Yes those ones… they irk me.

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  1. I got ill. As in Body shutting down, blood pressure messing up, malaria, typhoid, and a bit of infection here and there… I got super ill and I tried to power through it. I went to the hospital, got Injection and medication and kept going to work as though nothing was wrong until something became wrong. Hey! We are thankful, my health is restored and I am back to my workaholic insomniac factory setting.

 

  1. I attended a party. With man. No, I won’t say more! I don’t want to talk about my love life because it’s under construction and I feel like I don’t want to jinx it… I hate that man is always a factor tho! What can I do I love men! (Wow! that came out wrong) you get the message ba!? Oya lets go!

 

  1. I fucked up my Christian life. Well, from my perspective. I know God sees me through rose coloured glasses and he’s not judging me but somehow I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve fucked shit up. The worst part is that I’ve been shying away from communication. Did I tell you about life and the base ball bat?

 

  1. I started a Natural hair community/company. It’s still in its early stage but you can follow me on Instagram HERE

 

What have you been up to? Let’s share in the comment section. Trust me; I am glad to be back!

Kisses

ACCORDINGTOLARZ

HOW TO: COLOURED NATURAL HAIR

“She turned to the sunlight And shook her yellow head,And whispered to her neighbor- -Winter is dead.”

 

*Clears cobwebs*

Hello guys!

I am super sorry I have been MIA. I do not have any excuse really. I am super sorry and I promise, I am back for good. How is everyone doing? My birthday post is still pending I know… and some other lovely stuff I have budding.

But first let’s talk about hair. I have not done a hair post in ages and so I wanted to share some tips and hacks as my welcome back party!

I have definitely missed you guys and I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who checked on me. The people who re-read my old posts and reached out too… I love you guys so much!

How to care for coloured Natural hair.

First rule is to moisturize as though you life depends on it. You must make sure your hair retains a high level of moisture all the time.

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Coconut oil needs to be your best friend or better still a mix of jojoba, coconut and olive oil. Pretty basic huh? Chuck it in the microwave for a minute and massage into hair, wrap with a satin scarf and off to bed you go.

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De-tangle only when wet/moist! What is in your spray bottle? (Topic for another day) arm yourself with you spray bottle and de-tangle your hair using your fingers and or a comb. That way you reduce friction and with heavily moisturized hair, you shouldn’t have a problem.

Use protein free hair products. That means if your hair is coloured, no egg wash for you and no hair mayo for you too. Your best bet will be protein free leave in conditioner and If you need to deep condition, it will be with a selection of oils.

Protective styling is another great way to preserve your hair glory. When your hair is coloured, you may want to explore protective styles with lesser manipulation of your edges. Then moisturize and sprits with your spray bottle as often as you can.

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Lastly, do not be like me. Don’t be that natural hair lady who sleeps off without her satin scarf. Don’t be the one who doesn’t forget to spray her hair but will forget to braid up and then wake up with nappy ass hair. Better get your life!

I am very glad to be back.

According to Larz

 

HOW TO BE AN ANGRY BLACK (NIGERIAN) WOMAN

15 h

I am used to being called angry. In fact, it is no longer new to me, it has been said behind my back, some have said it to my face and some have jokingly implied it. This doesn’t change the fact that I will speak my mind. I will speak it when I want to, how I want to and say exactly what I want. I have refused to be shut up since I was a child. I remember the time one prominent adult in my family said children are only meant to be seen and not heard, I politely made my point. I shall be seen and heard. Maybe I will not be a nuisance about it if you are lucky, but I shall be seen and heard.

This post may seem dramatic to you but this is the reality that women live. If you doubt me please go on social media and see for yourself.  It seems to me as though every time a woman speaks up with confidence as touching any issue especially those concerning the woman and her realities the accusations start to pour in.

My favourite one is “you are such an angry woman and no one will marry you” epele, marriage police.

The hardest part for me is that the men who make these marriage threats aren’t even worthy of such, like, if an educated, enlightened woman was given to you, you wouldn’t know what to do with her. Simply put, you’re trash! LOL

It is my discovery that he moment you’re not passive about inequality and bad treatment of women in the society or you mistakenly rip off the imaginary tape placed on your mouth by patriarchy,  you become angry, loud and an all round nag.

There are five major steps on how to be an angry black woman.

STEP ONE: Speak up against gender based violence or gender inequality in general. This is the fastest and surest way of becoming an angry woman. This is how I earned my badge. Speaking up about any issue affecting the quality of life of women will earn you this badge so pick up your badge swiftly.

 

STEP TWO: Have an opinion about social issues. This unsettles men and women accepting of patriarchy. It seems to me as though any knowledge outside that of home making just labels you as bad woman. One who will never be submissive? They can see in the invisible mirror that such a woman will talk while her husband speaks… who the hell are you vagina bearing human, how dare you have an opinion on social issues, upsetting patriarchy!

 

STEP THREE: it is not enough to have an opinion; it is even more sacrilegious to air such an opinion. A woman must be seen not heard damn! How dare you discuss the hike in fuel prices or the fact that our economy is in shambles and standard of living has taken a nose dive?  How dare you discuss politics and get all emotional about it, don’t you have period cramps to deal with?

 

STEP FOUR: Have a passionate conversation or speak intensely about any topic outside kitchen wares, bedroom duties to your partner, seeking advice on how to pray for an abusive partner, keeping your home, sharing war stories about how you almost died when your husband slapped you etc. Why re you getting so emotional? Why do you have so much anger?

 

STEP FIVE: Demand to be treated with respect. I do not have to explain this point. See, if you want to be labeled a nag fast enough, demand that your partner or any male in general treat you with respect as to time, promises etc then your way to “naghood” will be paved with gold.

 

STEP SIX: I you really want to offend the gods, make any statement about the equality of men and women or do anything to advance the rights of women. What!!?? The Gods are angry! And you will be judged!

 

STEP SEVEN:  Write what you want on your Facebook wall. The moment you express your views on your own Facebook page, the assistant Zuckerbergs, editor of face book and lord justices of what’s right will attack you with things like (A woman shouldn’t write such, it speaks bad of you and no man likes that) and if you have the animal gut to state that you have written your words on your page…. Viola you have achieved the angry status.

STEP EIGHT: Think about the word Feminism. Angry woman card delivered!

 

 

Hey, you know I love comments and interaction, lets get down in the comments section below.

According To Larz

 

WOULD YOU GIVE A KIDNEY TO SAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?

1tip yourtaxi driverif possible

How is everybody doing today? I have a question and this is mainly because I have been going to and fro on the internet. Seriously, I think I spend too much time on social media. It’s not a bad thing right?

Let’s get to today’s post!

I read a while ago about a man who’s girlfriend donated one of her kidneys to save his life and now said man feels like he’s fallen out of love with her and wants a break up. I didn’t pay the post much attention because such stories are everywhere.

Recently, I read  a story on Instagram; basically, a guy wanted his ex to take back the curses she placed on him because he dated her for 6 years, lost his parents, the girls’ parents took him in, fended for him up until masters level, now he has a good job and is doing well, then suddenly realizes that the girl ( His girlfriend) who’s now 30 years old would be better as a sister. He breaks up with her and in four months, our brother is engaged to a yummy 22 year old. Plenty sad tales, I can’t keep up!

Sorry about the long story, we all know break ups happen and some relationships are not meant to last a life time so there’s really no biggie about break ups. Cry if you have to but by all means move on. But when a kidney is involved! It is the ‘biggiest’of all biggies!

Question of the day: WOULD YOU DONATE YOUR KIDNEY TO SAVE YOUR BOYFRIEND’S/ GIRLFRIEND’S LIFE? Or What is the craziest thing you would do for love?

MY ANSWER, No I won’t! I will not even consider it. I will hold his hands through dialysis and pray for him that he finds a donor. I will not even get tested to see if we have matching whatever! I just would not. Now, if it were to be a husband/father of my children, my answer may be different.

Please let me know your answers in the comment box below. Ladies and gentlemen, would you donate your kidney to a boyfriend/girlfriend that you are very much in love with?

 

How is the weekend so far? Have a fabulous new week!

According to Larz

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HAPPY MAY – BIRTHDAY COUNTDOWN – KISSING ASS – LIFE UPDATE

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I am not a happy new month kinda person but since it’s my birth month and I am actually excited. I am never excited about birthdays and I really do not know why. I just have never been a birthday person mostly because I don’t like the weird overly cheerful smiling, the thank yous, oohs and ahhs. I just don’t like pointless chivalry. I have been known to say things like “happiness is exhausting”. I swear I am not a sadist.

This time around, I am actually excited. I am happy mostly because life and its drama are dictating otherwise but ya’ll know I stay defying gravity.  Hey, do not give life the pass to walk all over you, join me as we defy gravity.

It is the month of May and the first week was tough especially with my Job. On the other hand, I got amazing news which I shall share in good time.

I spent the May Day weekend having fun and living on my own terms. I spent a lot of time taking photos for my Documentary/photojournalism page on Instagram FINDINGMYLAGOS please go follow!

I went on a photo walk with one of my best friends who’s here visiting from the states and I haven’t seen her in over 4 years! I enjoyed talking, walking and exploring Surulere together.

Then we went back to her apartment and played table tennis on her Xbox! I had a good time playing games like a kid and sweating. I think I recorded over 6,000 steps on my fit bit. Fit fun Yay!

I later went to my bae’s house. Everyone knows Tosin is bae. I should blog about how we met and how I landed one of the best female friends anyone has ever seen. We guard our chats like crazy because we’re proper crazy!

Fast forward… Sunday, I begged my friend Ayoola to take me to Food and Drinks festival organized by GTBank. Guys, the begging no get part two! This no car life must end soon biko! But Ayoola is a nice guy; he took me and had a better time than I did. He enjoyed every moment there!

Enjoy pictures….

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On Ass Kissing.

A while ago, I tweeted at Chude who is one of my favourite young people in this country. I have met him a couple of times and we aren’t friends but he’s someone I would walk up to and say hello, probably re introduce myself. Yass! He’s quite cool. He shared some words with me on twitter about learning from people who are ahead and not worrying if you seem like you’re kissing as or famzing. I have been trying to take his advice and I am actively looking for a mentor. (I haven’t had one in over 6 years)  My bullshit detector is wicked!!!

I AM STARTING A BIRTHDAY COUNTDOWN!!! I think I am excited… 20160213_161208-2

How is everyone doing? Please share with me in the comment section. This is not an attempt to write something, I actually want to know how you’ve been, what you’re working on etc…

Love and light

According to Larz

 

7 FACTS ABOUT

LETS TALK ABOUT VAGINA!

7 FACTS ABOUT

It’s been exactly 11 days since I posted on this blog. I am sorry, I have let life take a hold of me even though I smile and say I am ok, I am mostly not. The cycle has ended and I have emerged.

How is everyone doing? How was your long weekend? I had so much fun and I tried to document a bit of it and I shall share soon. This post I am about to share is a very interesting one, I am sure you can tell already from the title of this post. Don’t worry; you will still be spiritual at the end of this post.

I actually had this typed up about 10 weeks ago; I decided to tweak it finally post. This is a welcome back post and I hope you enjoy it.

I am sure everyone is asleep as I type but I am here jamming to Nina Simone and feeling all kinds of powerful.

Below are 7 facts about the female vagina, Genitalia, Glory land, Sword keeper etc LOL.  I don’t know what you call yours but I am super comfortable with the word vagina. I am sure people have several nicknames for this part of the body, personally, I think it deserves some respect (Aunty Vag)  if you’re not too shy share your preferred tem with me in the comment box below.  Nigeria and my seriously conservative childhood did not succeed in making me uncomfortable about my sexuality. I do not subscribe to indiscriminate sexual interaction but I also do not believe in shame on the basis of sexuality. It’s an integral part of our humanity and there’s nothing shameful about it.

I do not subscribe to indiscriminate sexual interaction but I also do not believe in shame on the basis of sexuality. It’s an integral part of our humanity and there’s nothing shameful ab

Let’s talk Vagina shall we?

  • DID YOU KNOW that the word Vagina literally means “Sheath for a sword” do I need to say more?
  • THE VAGINA SELF CLEANSES BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE WORK: ok, the inside of the vagina was made at creation to cleanse itself but this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wash the Vulva! I have heard people say just water is enough to cleanse the vulva. My one kobo, go and buy VAG Wash and wash your property very well Biko! I don’t want to hear fish story!
  • THE VAGINA IS NOT A SPIRITUAL TOOL FOR GETTING AND KEEPING A MAN: there is apparently a misconception about using sex to get and keep a man. Well, don’t waste your youth trying to please anyone, any man you need a strategy to keep probably isn’t worth your time. Sex is not love and love is not sex, I am not a relationship expert but I know that your Vag is not a man catching tool.
  • JUST LIKE OTHER HUMAN FEATURES, every woman is different down there don’t let anyone body shame you, better still, don’t trouble yourself. Some people have small nose, pointy nose, flat nose etc so long it can transport oxygen and sometimes smell, a nose is a nose. Same with the Vagina, there is no actual way it should look. Who died and made some people Vagina police?
  • THE VAGINA HAS SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH SHARKS! It’s a substance called squalene found in the liver of sharks. It’s a natural lubricant. Jisoxx!
  • THE VAGINA IS JUST ANOTHER PART OF YOUR BODY. Get acquainted with it, name it, talk to it, do whatever you like. Take a good look at it from time to time, you’re not allowed to feel any form of shame. The vagina is not a burden of woman hood; it’s a body part which happens to be tucked away for very private parties. LOL
  • ROOT VEGETABLES CAN SPROUT IN THE VAGINA; I read online a story of a foolish woman whose mother told to insert a potato in there to prevent pregnancy. She actually did and the potato started to sprout, a Gynecologist had to have it removed! How about you close your legs lady, you’re obviously not ready for the responsibilities involved in sexual activity.

I personally find the last point very disturbing because I can’t seem to be able to stop picturing it CRINGE!

I hope you enjoyed this post, I think I will stick around long enough to post three times this week! Did I mention that I had a fabulous weekend?

Have a beautiful week darlings!

According to Larz

 

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HOW TO DEAL WITH NEGATIVE THOUGTS

000

This post is a very short one.  I decided to type this post because of an experience I had a few days ago.

I have been on my period and I have tried to remain as comfortable as I can be but because I have a little drama down in that department it’s been a struggle.

I was in court yesterday and I had a long ass day which meant that I had to change my “sanitaries” at the court house toilet. I also was super uncomfortable because everything I sat on felt like wood! I was super uncomfortable.  I’m sure you ladies understand, everything will just be annoying abi? In fact I got in a mini fight sef. LOL

As I left the court room around 2pm, a thought struck my mind. The thought was so raw and sharp and it hit me like a slap. The devil was trying to minister nonsense to me and I wasn’t going to have none of that. As I walked down the stairs I thought, “All your mates are married with actual babies and you’re pregnant with——“I almost fell off the stairs because the thought hit me like a damn slap. But I wasn’t about to turn the other cheek.

See, the devil was not wrong in its postulations, my friends are actually pregnant but you see, the devil is short sighted.

I immediately paused and told the enemy he was stupid and he was wrong to be trying me with that mess today! I consciously replaced that thought with positive words and promises from the bible. I let the devil understand that although it may look like I am nothing now; the bible has said that my latter shall greatly increase! I let him know that I was a child of covenant and Jesus stood in blood and swore to me to always be with me. He took away my sicknesses and pain, he didn’t just take them away but he gave me hope and love and the assurance that it doesn’t matter what happens to me in this world, he will not leave me nor forsake me.

I held on to my covenants and kept walking keeping my head high! I can’t let one devil come and ridicule me and my three degrees! Miss me with that mess!!!

Mt dearest, the weirdest and craziest thoughts will come to your mind, negative thoughts will try to create its nest in your heart but you and I will stand out ground and maintain an only positive vibe zone.

I wasn’t going to share this experience but I just thought, someone out there is dealing with negative thoughts and negativity in general I really wanted to reach out. The bible didn’t say the devil won’t come, it actually said he will come like a flood but the spirit of God will raise a standard against him. Hey, I am not trying to speak “christianese” or be forming angel Uriel ; but for real,  the only  thing keeping me afloat in these times is my faith.

I hope you enjoyed this short gistxortation (Gist/exhortation)

Have a lovely weekend.

According to Larz