2016 was an ok year. 2017 will be better.
I would have stopped this blog post here but I decided that it might be good to take a brief look into the past to enable me shape the future.
I literally do not remember what 2016 was like for me; it was a time spent stuck in survival mode. I just wanted to live another year, wake up another day, see a familiar face so I could fake a smile. Honestly, some days I get out of bed surprised to be awake and legitimately so, I naturally would expect to have drowned in the tears of the night before, tears shed in unspeakable anguish and depths of despair.
I spent most of the year just surviving. I just waltzed through life not seeing, not feeling nor listening. That was not the plan but shit happens.
I thought I was going to die. Nothing physical was going to kill me but my heart was constantly heavy, I lived in such emotional pain I felt its physical representation. I dealt with major bouts of depression. You see, I am Christian and apparently there’s nothing called depression, we are supposed to have the joy of the lord, in fact, I heard a sermon, during the year admonishing us to snap out of it.
Lord knows I tried. I tried to snap out of it. I practiced swapping negative thoughts for positive ones; I memorized portions of the scripture to combat negative thoughts. I trusted and prayed but you know, though he slay me yet will I trust. It’s a decision of mine to die a Christian so despite the questions, I chose to stay.
But it didn’t work.
Just like it didn’t in 2012, that morning at Bishops court, I sat on my room balcony, snow falling and everywhere was dead quiet. It seemed like a perfect idea to put an end to the anguish. I would have jumped; probably lay in the snow with a broken limb, no one would have heard me scream. I would have lain there until my body stopped moving. It would have been easy to convince myself that it was an accident; it wouldn’t have been one.
The most frustrating part of depression for me is the fact that you cannot trace the source of your despair. I like to be in control and I am in no way a crybaby. Whenever the tears come, I try to sit down and make a list of 5 reasons why I should feel this depth of sadness, the soreness that threatens to tear my heart in two; although I end up listing a few problems, none of them ever deserved the extent of the anguish that burned in my chest.
Therapy costs a fortune so I didn’t have enough to go back to treatment and I could not confide in my financial sponsors. One session held me together for over three months. I just sat in her couch and wept. Actually, I wailed, I let the tears flow it felt like I was draining the chaff off some bad garri. One hour later, I felt like a new person. There was a bounce to my steps and a song on my lips… until three months later.
I have never felt lonelier in my entire life. For the longest time, I legitimately didn’t know what loneliness felt like. I was always a competent companion to myself. In 2016, I felt so much loneliness and because of my emotional awkwardness, I couldn’t confide in anyone.
And my regular friends? Well, everyone kept on living as though I didn’t exist. Can anyone blame them? I am a little unpredictable and unconventional. See, my friends can be likened to a straight-tarred expressway; I on the other hand, am a winding rough road, something only seen in the hills of Gembu in Taraba state. You know, I understand their frustration.
At some point during the year, I had a major health scare. It fizzled out. I didn’t even finish the medication that was my first major miracle of the year.
The latter part of the year held better promise.
I finally got off my butt and made an effort to live. Choosing to live makes a lot of difference. Opportunities opened up, I took them, I got in a car accident I survived it, and although 2016 was a trying time, I ended the year on an optimistic note.
2017 holds immense promise. Everything good will come.
This is an awfully depressing New Year post but I owe it to myself to write the truth. I owe you that much too.
Happy New Year friends.